Together
A hot summer day, I feel a
chill run through me.
So many people surround me,
I can’t move
But then I hear it,
It runs through me.
So many people around me,
But together, we move.
I don’t know him, I don’t
know her
Strangers under the same sun
Where they’ve come from, I
do not know
But then we hear it.
How strange it is to not
know,
But together, we move.
We are surrounded.
Him by me, Her by him.
Us by the words, We by the
beat.
But then I hear it.
Different voices, Different
keys,
But together, we move.
I hear the different voices
and different keys,
Hear it become our voice.
I feel the strength of us,
Feel the ground beneath the
thousand jumping feet.
Surrounded by us, the music,
and the beat.
Surrounded by him and her,
becoming We.
A hot summer day, the chill
runs through me.
It runs through me, and I
hear it.
It runs through me, and I
feel it.
So many people surround me,
and together we move.
This is an intriguing scene, and I like your use of reptition in the poem. You use anaphora to good effect in a number of places, creating a pleasant musical feel for the poem. I have to confess, though, that I do not know what the poem is trying to get at. This might be OK, but I also get the feeling that the poem wants to be understood. This is where I feel like it needs more work.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds a bit like a description of attending a dance performance, but hen why would the audience be jumping up and down. It might be about attending concert of some type, but then, why the attention to what seems to be a couple dancing? A wedding dance? Or maybe they aren't dancing? I'm not sure.
It feels like a positive moment of unity between the speaker and a crown of some sort, but I just don't get why the poem is so vague about the details and so reluctant to set the scene. Is there a reason for us not to know where we are or what's going on?
This poem may need more details. A less vague title might also help. But mainly I think more specific descriptive language may be needed to draw your readers in to this mysterious scene of group movement.
Hi Nahal,
ReplyDeleteI think that you have successfully been able to incorporate what would otherwise be considered "simple" words into a very complex poem. This was done through the repetition of these words and by showing the inner-complexity of the setting. For example, at some points the speaker "can't move" because of the people around you, and sometimes those same people allow you to move because you are moving "together."
I would love to know more details about what event is taking place though! Then, I would be able to really feel and understand the descriptions.
:)
I think your use of repetition and arranging and rearranging words really works to convey the hustle and otherworldliness of the scene. One phrase that I found jarring was "Where they’ve come from, I do not know", because while most of your language is very poetic and natural, the syntax of this line feels forced in an attempt at sounding more poetic. Maybe "Where have they come from? I do not know." or some other, simpler construction make work better.
ReplyDeleteHi! Something that I really enjoyed about this poem is the sense of rhythm that reminds me of a fast paced song, which fits in perfectly with the overall theme of the poem. I especially liked the lines: Surrounded by us, the music, and the beat.
ReplyDeleteSurrounded by him and her, becoming We.
One thing that I think could be added into the poem is more description about the setting where this group of people is gathering. It would help to clarify what exactly is going on in the poem.
This poem has a feel-good quality to it both in terms of sound and content. I like the repetition of the first stanza at the end, and the recurring mention of the he/she and him and her. The senses are mentioned throughout, and while they are more abstract and less imagistic I think they work with the poem.
ReplyDeleteHi! I love how it starts out as being so dramatic and mysterious and as I reader I was very curious as to where this is taking place. Once I discovered it was at a concert a smile went across my face because I agree with those feeling and how crazy it can be to attend any concert.
ReplyDeleteThis was a beautiful way to depict a concert/music festival! I loved how you established the way music brings different people from every corner of the world to move together in unity. You really captured the way music can bring people into a unique trance that cannot be explained. Also, I think this poem had a great rhythm throughout, which matched the theme of the special beat of music which brings people together. -Abigail Adler
ReplyDeleteHi Nahal :)
ReplyDeleteI don't know if this is only because I know you well, but I really connected to this poem - even though I have yet to experience the type of concert you are describing. You teakky succeeded in creating a rhythm, through the repetition and length of lines snd stanzas. My favorite line is probably "How strange is it to not know" - it brings in tension and ambiguity in an otherwise smooth narrative. My only criticism would be to show us more instead of tell. Really great job!
As I was reading the poem I was confused about what was going on but by the end I kind of liked that the speaker didn't completely reveal the specific event taking place. There were good descriptive details to help the reader interpret the poem. I think the details though we're "telling" us instead of "showing" us. I really liked it and to me this sounds like a wedding!
ReplyDeleteI was unsure what the poem was describing at the beginning but after reading about music and beat it was clear. I believe you're describing some sort or concert or festival of some sort and I love the way you visualize it. I really wanted to keep reading.
ReplyDeleteWow, this poem really spoke to me and I like it's flow. It was easy to read but provided a powerful image. First I felt that the speaker was on a subway and then later it seemed like a concert. I appreciate the ambiguity of the location. I also like the idea that we are all strangers, yet we all move together.
ReplyDeleteAwesome!
The together we move refrain at the end of each stanza really dramatizes the poem because as each stanza goes I wondered where they are moving to, but then I get that it's dancing. I love the way you unify all the people as having one voice. I like the energy that the poem creates. It also has a good beat to it.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed the rhythm of this poem and the fact that I could feel the music that the speaker is hearing. I like the contrast of the poem: in the beginning, no one knows each other and they move together, but at the end, they all move together "becoming We." To me, this was a very powerful part of the poem; once people share an experience, they form a bond that cannot necessarily be understood but will always be felt. I think this poem really demonstrates that! Also, the repetition in the poem definitely added to the progression of this friendship (if you can call it that).
ReplyDeleteThis poem has a great internal rhythm that made it very easy and natural to read. It began with a powerful line, "A hot summer day, I feel a chill run through me". This juxtaposition of hot and chill is intriguing and very vivid. I began thinking the setting was a wedding and ended thinking it was a concert-- maybe you could have included a bit more detail for context purposes.
ReplyDelete